Death By Tea Mug
by MajorSam
Summary: What happens when you get Sam, a tea mug, a piece of chocolate cake, a glass of jello, and a popsicle together? While Jack is watching? WATCH OUT Jack! A/N After about FOUR YEARS, the final chapter has been posted!
1. Death by Tea Mug

By: MajorSam

Rating: Uh.. like... K? Maybe T...

Summary: Death By Tea Mug!

Authors Notes: Ok, I excuse myself for the ridiculousness of this... just a TOTAL random product of 2am + loads ofcaffiene + Loads of lack of sleep!  
Reviews: Are my life... flames will be used to bake Sam and Jack's wedding cake:p

Hope you enjoy:D

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How could he never have realized it? After all these years of seeing Carter with a tea mug, and only now, after 8 years, does he realize what she's doing. Aaah, it's so obvious too! He shakes his head… he knew he was dense sometimes, but 8 years? For cryin' out loud! He looks over at her. Oh crap, she's doing it again… Honestly, there should be a regulation against it… "Section T.E.A of the National Defense Code: No incredibly hot 2IC shall ever be allowed within a 10 metre radius of a tea mug, glass or cup of any sort while their CO, who happens to be in love with them and in possession of a MASSIVE amount of unresolved sexual tension, is anywhere in sight. Perfect. Maybe he should go call the President about it…. He looks back over at her. God, that woman never stops, does she? She's reckless, she's out to get him, and he knows it. Her sole purpose in life is to torment and tease and taunt him with everything she's got. And she's got a lot. Oooh has she got a lot… And oh how he wishes he was that mug right now… 

It always starts off the same. She goes up to the register and asks the mess guy for a tea bag. Mint. Always mint. She's probably one of those crazy herbal yoga peace and mind people… he's seen her go off to Kel'no'reem sessions with Teal'c… But anyways, back to the topic at hand. She gets a mug, and a tea bag. She'll smile, and say "Thanks Luke." How she knows every person and their dog's name in the SGC he doesn't know. But she'll give him that little smile, and walk to the hot water. She places the mug down underneath the tap thing, and picks up the tea bag. She'll rip off the top, and put it down on the counter, then take out the bag, adding the packet to the top, before throwing it out. She then takes the string of the tea bag, and, placing the bag into the mug, gently twists the string around the mug handle. Those long soft fingers holding the string so delicately… so precisely wrapping it's fibers around the handle… Finally she pulls down on the nozzle of the hot water tub, and watches the steaming liquid come pouring out. She lets go of the nozzle after usually around 3.4 seconds… you know, approximately… Just a few millimeters from the edge.

She pauses for a few seconds; testing the heat, before wrapping those elegant fingers round the handle, sliding her smooth skin, molding it to the curves of the ceramic… with one of her hands she lifts the string of the tea bag up, then down, up, then down, making sure all the spices are dissolved into the water. She stops, and looks as the dark swirls of mint slowly spread out, and the colour of the water becomes one solid mass of dark green'ish. She smiles, just a simple, small little grin. Jack sighs. How she could get so happy over such a tiny thing… the basic little joys of life…

Next, she picks up the mug, oh so gently, with both hands, and walks gracefully over to an empty table, staring at the rim of the mug to make sure she doesn't spill even one drop of the precious liquid. After sitting down, she lifts the mug, bit by bit, up before her face, and her eyes drift shut as she inhales the gentle wafts of aromatic steam. A side of her perfect mouth slides up in a lazy grin. God, how could that woman make smelling something seem so damn erotic? Finally, after ages of Jack's torment, she places the mug down on the table, once again curving the fingers of her right hand around it. With her left she picks up some lab report or something and starts reading it… he doesn't know if she does it unconsciously, or because she somehow knows he's there, but after just a minute, her right hand starts fiddling with the mug. Her index finger slowly slides along the rim… rolling over the curve of the handle, mindlessly swirling, drawing invisible shapes, washing itself over the smooth surface of the mug in an endless touch… she frowns at the report, just a little furrowing of her brow, but he knows she's really frowning.

She suddenly realizes that her mug is still there, and she looks at it. Her eyes widen for a split second, then narrow, focusing on the mug. That damn infernal grin is back, and then, suddenly, her tongue is running over her lips in an excruciating dance of torture. He can see the difference in her skin as the tongue leaves a damp trail, continuing on to conquer the remaining dryness. How could she DO this to him? Did she not realize what she looked like? Of all the downright dirty, cheap, underhanded things to do to a… oh… oh no…

She's looking at her mug with purpose. She wraps both hands around the rounded surface, grasping it firmly, and raises it to her mouth. She takes a second to inhale once again, then slowly parts her lips, breathing deeply. Her eyes are hooded, and she gradually tips the mug back, letting the hot liquid slide down her throat. Her eyes are closed by now, and she shudders at the sudden introduction of heat to her body... Jack screwed his eyes shut. Why does he do this… really, he brings it upon himself… maybe in some perverse way he enjoys the self-torture, the horrible temptation. For gods sake, wishing he was a TEA MUG? His frustrated mind simply warped the whole thing into a sick little fantasy. He opens his eyes, and finds a pair of turquoise blue eyes staring at him from across the room. Shit… he's been caught. He watches, entranced, as she frowns, picks up her mug and starts walking towards him. Oh god no, please, if there IS a god let her NOT come up and start talking to him! Not now, not like this…

But, of course, fate conspires against him once again.

"Sir?" she questioned, looking into his eyes curiously. "Is there something wrong? You look kind of…strange." His eyes flew to hers. CRAP, did she know? Had she figured it out? Was he that obvious? What should he do?

"No more strange than normal, Carter" he said in a self-deprecating tone with a little chuckle. Please let her buy that… she kind of frowned inquisitively, but, thank the lord, fell for his humour and chuckled as well. "You sure sir?" she asked. Aargh, why did she persist? Could she not tell he was so sexually frustrated that he got all hot and bothered about the way she drinks tea? For such a brilliant scientist she could sure be oblivious to her own hotness.

"Yup, I'm sure Carter!" he replied, nodding cheerfully.

"Ok then," she smiled back. And then like a bullet going off, her mug was suddenly at her lips again. Just a foot or two from his face. Aaaah! She would be the death of him yet… he just couldn't take it anymore.

"Uh, Carter, I actually have to be off to… do some paperwork!" he said quickly, turning his back to her and starting to walk hurriedly away. Sam started at his sudden leave.

"Oh, ok, see you later Sir," she called after him. After seeing him walk out the door she shook her head. What was wrong with him? Totally on edge, and jumpy! If she hadn't known better she would have said he was… no, that was impossible… I mean, what could possibly get him all worked up in the _mess hall_? She pondered for a second what could possibly have got him to such a state… finally she sighed sadly, and looked down at the floor.

She wished she could have such an effect on him…


	2. The Cake of Doom

Death By Tea Mug part two – 

The Cake of Doom 

By: MajorSam

A/N Thank you SOOO much to everyone who reveiwed first chap :D even got put on a story alert list :O squee, then my crazy nutcase friend Kayla came along and has been houdning me for another... I hope you all like it :) I mite even be tempted to write MORE chaps! gasp Well anywho, I hope you enjoy, here it is :)

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Ah, what a wonderful day, sighed Jack happily. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, little people are playing in little playgrounds… yes, the world is right! It was a warm Saturday in June… just around 25 degrees Celsius or so… not too hot, not too cold…and he was out for a walk. Yup, that's it, just a plain and simple walk in the park! When was the last time I went on a walk? Mused Jack. Probably never… at least until now! He continued along the park for a few minutes, before it led him onto a street. A nice quaint little street with cafés, a small veggies and fruit market type thing… a peaceful sanctuary for normal folks to go and relax. He laughed at the thought of him being a "normal folk" but enjoyed the idea nonetheless. He was in such a good mood that he swore nothing could make this day better. He glanced into a little café window, and was about to look back at the market, contemplating ingredients for some dinner, but instead did a double take back to the cafe… ok, he was wrong, it just got better. A whole loooot better… 

It was Carter… eating cake. And it wasn't any normal run-of-the-mill-every-day sorta cake… it was huge. And it was chocolaty. From what he could see it was DAMN chocolaty… a mountain of chocolate with a fudge layer, a pudding layer, an icing layer, with some normal chocolate cake… then more fudge… it seemed to go on forever. Then there was the top… hot steaming melted fudge was oozing oh so slowly down the sides… holy crap, how could she eat that thing? Sure he loves chocolate just as much as the next brilliant theoretical astrophysicist, but… a _diet_ soda, yet she can eat down a piece of cake the size of the bloody Rocky Mountains? How she can eat things like that and manage to stay in such amazing fantastic wonderful shape he'll never know… he could definitely think of a few ways to burn it off, like… cough ok, that train of thought over…

She's reading something. Why does she always seem to be reading when she's eating? Hm, maybe it contributes to the whole "I'm Sam I'm a super-genius" thing she's got going on… anyways, maybe he should go in and ask if he could join her? Cause friends do those kinds of things, and he was in such a good mood that… As he takes a step to go into the café, he freezes. She's started eating the cake. His eyes widen… he should have seen this coming…

She's at it again. Sam Carter and her infernal "lets kill Jack by eating sexily because I'm a hot mama" fixation. Just like with her tea, she slowly puts down her reading, and slides her eyes to focus on the task at hand. Unlike with her tea, however, she doesn't go straight in for the kill. Instead she chooses to appraise her victim. Slowly she cocks her head to the right, narrowing her eyes slightly to zoom in on the cake. Once satisfied that she has the right angle of view, her eyes travel down, down, down the layers of chocolate, analyzing, appreciation, absorbing every detail of each spec of cake. When she finally reached the bottom, she started back up again, going even slower on the way up.

She was checking out the cake! He gaped openly through the window, but caught himself, and shut it quickly. Unfortunately, once the thought of those blue eyes looking him up and down… yup, fantasy-about-Sam number 1792 had been created.

She needed to decide which exact part she would start on, the one perfect morsel to start off the journey that is her cake. Her eyes are hooded and darker than before by the time she's finished her review. Oh god, a piece of _cake_ does that to her? Fantasy number 1793 added to list

Suddenly a flash of movement catches his eye, and he looks down at her hand. Her index finger is traveling up the fork. It reaches the tip, then slowly runs down again. Up and down, up and down. Oh god oh god oh god… finally she brings the rest of her slender fingers to meet it, and curl around the small shaft of the fork, and picks it up. She's about to go for the kill when she stops, hand mid-air… her eyebrows knit together slightly, and she cocks her head the other way. He could practically see the gears turning in her head while she strategically planned out her assault. Then the tongue was out, sliding from her top lip to her bottom as she prepared herself for the cake.

Then her hand is moving again, guiding the fork to the exact perfect spot on the cake. The thick chocolate gave way under her fork's ministrations… She brings it up to her mouth, and there is no hesitation as her eyes shut, and her tongue flicks out quickly to guide the cake into her mouth. A satisfied sigh escapes her as she slowly moves the morsel around in her mouth.

Oh gawd, thought Jack… he was literally melting on the street right there. His self-torture habit was in full kick as for the second time he stood rooted to the spot as Sam… well, he didn't really know how to describe what she was doing. All he knew was that instead of cake occupying her mouth he wished it was… his thought was cut off as a person reading a newspaper accidentally walked into him. In his state of total mind-mush Jack wasn't prepared at all, and flew to the ground.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't see you!" apologized the man who'd just knocked him down. Jack ignored him as his eyes flew to the café window, to see Sam curiously looking up from her cake to see what the noise outside had just been. Jack swore, and the man with the newspaper went red, and apologized again, taking a startled step backwards as Jack jumped upwards and started practically running away, hurriedly calling "It's no problem!" behind him.

Sam looked interestedly outside at the poor flustered man holding the newspaper. All she'd been able to see was the back of a man running away… if it hadn't been so silly she could have sworn that backside had looked like… not that she could recognize his backside or anything, although it was very nice… Sam mentally scolded herself for thinking such things. Obviously it hadn't been Jack, because if it had been, that means he would have been just outside the café, and he would have seen her. Knowing him, he probably would have seen the cake first, and come inside to make jibes about keeping up her figure while stealing the cake for himself.

She sighed, looking forlornly at her cake. Yeah, sure she'd had fantas… no, thoughts, about certain situations involving her, Jack and chocolate, but… no, Jack was not the type of man to go for fanciful fanta… ideas, about her and chocolate. She sighed again, and ordered some tea.

AN - Did you like it? I dunno if its as good as first.. I hope so, was fun to write :D remember to review, any flames will be used to bake the cake for sam and jack's wedding:D:D


	3. Jinx of the Jiggly Jello

Death By Tea Mug part 3 - 

The Jinx of the Jiggly Jello

By: MajorSam

AN - Hey all! Here's the next chap! It's kind of breaking from the sway of the past two... kinda more mushy, lol, but the next one's gonna be fuuun, trust me ;);) Hope you like it :):)

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As the weeks since the Tea Mug Incedent had passed by, Jack was getting used to Sam's unintentional taunting. There was had been The Sassy Soufflé, the Muffin of Mayhem, the Killer Kiwi… his Sam!Fantasies count was up to an all time high, and "jumpy" "on edge" and "paranoid" were now three words commonly linked to the mention of Jack O'Neill. Several people, including Daniel, Teal'c, Walter, and Sam had approached him about it. The guys he'd been able to brush off easily enough, but when Sam looked up at him with those big blue eyes he'd wanted to both strangle her for her naivety (at least, he HOPED she didn't know what she was doing… cause if she did, well… that would just be TOO evil…) and throw her on his office desk, whip out some chocolate and… Well, obviously he wasn't able to do either, so he just avoided looking at her innocent eyes and caring concern, and brushed it off as the stresses of being General. Unfortunately, he didn't think she'd believed it. Of course she'd accepted what he said, but the slight frown as she looked at him led him to believe she knew something was up.

Almost each and every word associated with the word "sensual" had been used to describe her various food endeavors. Jack sometimes spent boring briefings wondering what she'd be able to come up with next. Honestly, if there were ever a synonym contest, she would win hands down.

As the General sat down at the commissary, he sighed dejectedly as Sam walked briskly in the door. And on this weeks episode of "Let's kill Jack" Our wonderful star Samantha Carter is set on stirring up the mix. Oh yes folks, just look at her go… it is, the Jinx of the Jiggly Jello!" Jack looked between his report, over to Sam, as she sat down at a table with her Blue Jello. Report, or Sam's food'capades… Report or Sam… hm… He pushed his report to the side, leaned his elbow on the table and rested his chin in his hand as he prepared himself for the torture. He shuddered at the thought of her ever finding out about his watching her. He was amazed that no one else had noticed! Sure she was gorgeous and all, but the base commanding officer watching her eat? It was kind of creepy he supposed… but it's not like it was his fault! She just ate so damn hot! He'd definitely noticed some young airmen do double takes as they saw her with various cuisine. At least he wasn't the only one… He would have told Sam about it, to warn her off of tempting the hot-blooded young military buck's, but then he'd have to admit he'd seen it to! He could just imagine her reaction…

"Sir, do you mean to say I have to regulate my eating habits?"

"Well Carter have you ever seen yourself eat?"

"No sir, I can't say I've ever watched myself in the mirror while eating. Why, are you trying to imply something?"

"Well geez Carter it's just that… well… ya see…"

"Come on, spit it out General!"

"Well you look damn sexy when you eat!"

gape

"I mean… well, what I meant to say was… well…"

"Sir, are you saying YOU'VE watched me eat… that way… before?"

"No! I mean… well, maybe, but… it's not my fault, honest!"

Eyebrow raise

"You're so obvious about it! Crap Carter just calm down, it's only food!"

eyebrow raise

"Well see you do these things… when you eat… and… it just kills people Carter!"

"Kills people…"

"Uh… YEAH, you're only the hottest woman on base!"

gape

"But I mean that in a totally not, you know, I mean it's not like I have a crush on you or anything…"

eyebrow raise

"Cough, splutter… ahem…"

Jack broke from his reverie as he noticed something odd about Sam and her blue jello. (What was with the BLUE anyways? Everyone knew red was better. Actually, PURPLE was the best, but that would have to be blue and red jello combined…) Anyways, yes, something was definitely, once again, different about this jello… She wasn't being sexy. She wasn't checking it out. She wasn't closing her eyes in ecstasy. Nope. In fact… she was _giggling_.

Yup, there she was, Lt. Colonel, leader of the flagship team in the defense against Earth from the terrors of the galaxy… giggling as her jello jiggled in her spoon. Yup, the second she'd scooped some up, a huge smile had broken out upon her face. Her blue eyes sparkled with humour as the jello spazzed out on her fork. She stilled her hand until the jello stopped, then moved it suddenly to the left. As the jello started up again, so did her giggles. He stared at her. Yeah, jello was fun but… she was like a giddy schoolgirl!

After her initial humour over the jello, she popped it into her mouth and swallowed, with a huge grin on her face. A small smile appeared on Jack's face. She was actually kind of… cute!

She scooped up another load of jello goodness, and popped in into her mouth. Instead of swallowing, however, she quickly glanced around the room to see if anyone was looking at her. (Jack quickly pretended to read his report) Once confident she wasn't being watched, she puffed out her cheeks, with the jello still in it, and jiggled it around. Jack almost laughed out loud at the sight of his Colonel jiggling jello around in her mouth. Her eyes were all crinkled up with joy at the sides, and he could see her throat shaking with silent laughter. Jack still couldn't believe his eyes. What a goof! If he'd known that jello could do this to her a few years ago… and hey, he'd had jello with her before! How had he never noticed? Or maybe she did know what she looked like while eating… well, eating jello at least. She really was adorable!

Jack just smiled at the thought that she thought she could truly enjoy herself rite now. He loved the fact that he was seeing her totally unguarded, seeing Sam, not Carter. With his not being on Sg-1 anymore, he didn't get to see his old team, or her, as much. He missed the frequent team nights where they could relax and just be friends. Yup, he was going to treasure this moment of seeing her unguarded, where the barriers weren't up. The whole time with Pete had been… well, he was guiltily happy that Pete was out of the picture.

Sam had finally finished swooshing the jello around in her mouth, and had taken up shaking the entire glass of it. He chuckled quietly as her grin spread from ear to ear. Dimples were showing, and he had to admit it was one of the cutest things he'd ever seen. It was like her inner child was coming out. He chuckled again at the thought of a little Sam, with blonde pigtails and a pink shirt, giggling over jello. Awww!

After all the things they'd gone through in the past 8 years or so, Jack's heart was warmed with the fact that Sam could still find joy in such a simple thing. Suddenly Jack realized how sentimental his thoughts of the past few minutes had been…

_Gah! I'm become a softy in my old age! What an old fuddy duddy. _ He thought disgustedly. _Well it only goes to show that Carter's still got me whipped…_

He chuckled evilly at the thought of Carter with a whip… and she looked up from her table. _Crap! _He quickly schooled his face to a nice neutral smile, and waved over. Her face broke out into another heart-stopping smile and she waved back energetically, before digging back into her jello. He sighed dopily. She was definitely a very special person. With a ridiculously fabulous smile. sigh

Sam hummed along silently to a song she had in her head as she played around with the jello. _Man is jello cool!_ She grinned. Her love of jello was one of the few things she'd retained ever since her childhood. Through all the alien wars, space ship flights, imprisonments, jello had prevailed. Maybe she should introduce it to Thor? He seemed to be into the whole obscure food things… She suppressed a shudder at the memory of a horrible dream involving certain yellow things… _Oh well_, she thought, _I have jello now, the world is right! Geez I hope no one's seen me eating this though… sometimes I do get carried away with my jello. Imagine what would happen if someone saw me! I would just die of embarrassment._

_Thank the lord I'm not weird while eating everything else!_

_Although, I have noticed General O'Neill looking at me funnily lately…  
_

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_AN - Well, what do you think? Hope it was good! Remember to REVIEW:D all ideas, theories and queries are always welcome :D:D Remember, flames willl be used to bake Sam and Jack's Wedding Cake! _  
_


	4. Popsicle

Death by Tea Mug Part 4 -

Popsicle

AN/ Ok, I totally wanted to do this one since I started this fic… seriously just imagine it really happening:O Hope ya'll like it, remember to revieeew!

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This was it. The day of Jack O'Neill's death.

He was at a barbeque. A nice, fall barbeque in Teal'c's backyard. There were drinks, burgers, steak and merriment.

Then there was Carter.

With a Popsicle.

He had no idea why, I mean it was October for cryin' out loud… but there she was, with a big, single stick, bright pink Popsicle.

And he was hiding in the bathroom. He just couldn't take it anymore. The visions haunted him… Sam… Popsicle… even though it was a cold October, the Popsicle managed to melt. Of course it wouldn't do to have stick Popsicle drips all over her hands, so she licked. When it wasn't dripping she sucked. Every so often she would nibble some off the top.

She had just had to have a Popsicle…

He was dead. Hiding in Teal'c's bathroom, because of a damn Popsicle. This was the last straw… she had to stop these shenanigans, NOW, or he'd end up doing something rash. Today. He had to stop this thing TODAY!

"Hey, has anyone seen General O'Neill?" inquired Sam. She wanted to ask him about a new project she was hoping to start up.

"I believe I saw him enter my home," offered Teal'c.

"K, thanks Teal'c!" she smiled, entering the house.

"General, Sir?" she called.

_Shit, she's found me!_

"General, where are you?"

"Uh… just going to the john, can you give me a minute?"

"Sure Sir."

He heard light footsteps stopping a few steps back from the bathroom door. He was cornered. He looked around wildly, looking for an escape of some sort… the window! No, damn it was too small… uh… the cupboard? No, she'd find him there… He desperately searched the walls for some kind of secret escape route, completely oblivious of the errant bar of soap lying on the ground. He was in no condition to talk to her right now! He looked southward… no condition! Well at least she's probably done The Popsicle by now, righ…

Slurp

OH GOD!

He whirled around at the sudden sound, as his foot finally found the bar of soap, and flew out from under him. He let out a yell as he fell backwards with a huge thump against the floor, and slid to slump against the back wall.

"Sir! What happened, are you ok?" Sam cried, banging on the bathroom door. He was done for! She was going to open the door, and come in, with The Popsicle. He had to stop her!

"Carter, I'm fine, just had a little slip, don't come in!"

"Sir I have to see if you're ok!"

"NO! uh… you see I… NO!" he yelled as she started turning the door knob. "Just… give me a minute to do my pants up, will ya?" He cringed as the words came out of his mouth. The door handle went back to normal. He groaned when he moved to sit up. So he wasn't too old to ignore a Popsicle, but he was too old to take a simple fall? Bah!

Slurp

His body convulsed as though shot with a zat. She was KILING him! Physically KILLING HIM! There were fantasies, yeah, but there's such a things as TOO MUCH of a good thing! Inhumane torture. She was evil, pure evil, she was sent by the heathen gods to cast him down…!

Slurp

It was too much! Dear sweet God have mercy on my poor soul!

Slurp

"OH FOR CRYIIN OUT LOUD CARTER, WILL YOU STOP WITH THE DAMN POPSICLE?"

Sam took a shocked step back from the door… what was wrong with him?

"I uh… sorry… sir…" she said quietly. What was going on…

_Damn it!_ He though guiltily_. How could I let me emotions go like that? I've hurt her now… crap, how am I gonna get myself out of this one..? I have to tell her, make her realize… but how?_

_

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_

An/ OH, gotcha there! What's going to happen? What's he going to say? Is he going to confess his little fantasies? We shall seee! (reviews make me write faster :D) And as always flames will be used to bake Sam and Jack's wedding cake :D:D


	5. Breakin the News

Death by Tea Mug part 5

Breakin the News

AN: Sorry it's taken so long to get this chap up… RL has totally exploded for me, and all I have is this one half hour to do this chap, eeek, pressure! I hope you like it! Some real fun chaps are comin up… :p

OH RIGHT, OMG I almost forgot again... :S Chapter 4, named "Popsicle" Was devoted to my dearest friend Agent Dark, the Sam/Food! Shipper extraordinaire. Well, actually Sam/Just about anything shipper... especially hot dogs... pats Agent Dark on head

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Previously on "Lets Kill Jack..."

"**OH FOR CRYIIN OUT LOUD CARTER, WILL YOU STOP WITH THE DAMN POPSICLE?"**

**Sam took a shocked step back from the door… what was wrong with him?**

"**I uh… sorry… sir…" she said quietly. What was going on…**

**_Damn it!_ He though guiltily_. How could I let me emotions go like that? I've hurt her now… crap, how am I gonna get myself out of this one..? I have to tell her, make her realize… but how?_**

**_

* * *

_**

Sam waited expectantly by the door while Jack composed a speech in his head.

Carter, I hereby ban you from ever eating popsicles again… 

Nope, she probably wouldn't go for that…

Carter, you can never again eat or drink anything in my presence unless I'm blindfolded…

On second thoughts maybe that sounded a bit too kinky…

Carter you need to stop getting off on your food… **Definitely** wouldn't go for that… 

_Carter you're the hottest woman on the planet and you eat really really hotly and I can't control my hormones and am going insane…_

Don't think she'd be too impressed by that either…

"Sir…" she called. There was a warning tone to her voice. She was a woman who thought quickly, and she knew he didn't mean to hurt her with the whole spontaneous yelling thing… she knew something was up, and she wanted to know what, now!

Suddenly a light went off in Jack's mind…

Maybe I could just pretend I drank too much and have passed out in the bathtub! 

With his brain working overload to do anything to avoid telling Carter, he jumped into the bathtub… but he wasn't quick enough. She opened the door just as he got in.

"Uh… Sir… what are you doing in the bathtub…"she asked with a raised eyebrow.

He stared up at her with an open mouth.

"Uh…"

She crossed her arms, waiting for an answer.

"I was… resting?" he offered. She snorted.

"Sir, something is wrong with you, and I want to know what."

Well she was subtle wasn't she?

"Um… popsicles remind me of a bad experience from my childhood?"

She started tapping her foot against the floor, unimpressed.

"Oh come on Carter this is a party, we can talk about this later!" he said with his most winning smile.

She breathed in deeply.

"Sir, you are obviously irritated with me, you've been avoiding me and acting weird for months, everyone knows it, and we're fed up. I would appreciate it if you could give me the respect of telling me to my face what I'm doing wrong," she stated.

He was a goner.

"Well, couldn't I just…" he started.

"Unless you would rather announce in front of everyone what's wrong with you? Somehow Sir I don't think you'd enjoy that."

Jack stared at her. Could she know? How was that possible? He'd been so careful, so discreet… there was always a report he was reading, or someone he was talking to or… how could she know?

Sam inwardly held her breath. Something was wrong with him, that was obvious, but she had no idea what. _Just give him the impression that you do… I've obviously hit a mark with the whole "announce for everyone" thing… just kept acting like you know everything! _

Jack gulped. This was it… the moment of truth… she knew, but was waiting for him to say it out loud. Man could that woman be EVIL! Pure evil! She had to know how much he was affected by all of this… DAMN hormones!

He took a deep breath, and listened to himself admit the most embarrassing thing of his life.

"A few months ago I observed you drinking a mug of tea, and found that the way you went about it could be construed as sexual. During the course of the last few months I've noticed that pretty much whenever you eat you do something, a tiny little gesture even, that could very easily be taken as innuendo. Unfortunately witnessing this way acting has affected me in ways I could not expect, and I've let my emotions get the better of me. I couldn't tell you what you looked like because that would mean I was admitting seeing you do it, and think the way I do. I didn't want it to affect our working relationship at all so I opted to not tell you. Now I see that that was a mistake, and it's only led to me being a crazy jumpy wreck. You eating that damned popsicle was the last straw, and I snapped. I'm sorry I hurt you, I shouldn't be taking this out on you, because I shouldn't even be feeling the way I do in the first place!"

Jack breathed in deeply. There, he did it. He closed his eyes, waiting for her to explode in screams, or bring him up on charges, or kill him…

Nothing happened.

He cracked an eye open, and saw her simply standing there, looking at him. His heart pounding his chest off was all that he could hear. _Was_ hope fully lost?

"Thank you Sir," she said softly, turned around, and walked out the door.

Jack stared out from the bathtub at the spot she was just standing.

What the hell?

* * *

A/N: BWAHAHAHA,what is Sam thinking? Did she expect the answer she got? Is Jack going to die in his sleep! Well you'll just have to wait and see :D Remember, Reviews make my fingers flyyyyy, whereas no reviews, well… I have a no-review disease, my fingers fall off and I can't write:O:O:O Yes, it's very tragic I know…

Flaaames go to the Sam/Jack Wedding Cake as always :D:D


	6. Oh My God

Death By Tea Mug part 6 –

Oh. My. God…

AN/ Hey all, sorry for the SHORT chap... Likes i've said RL has been totally nutso for me lately, and then last nite I was at this crazy party and... cough I MEAN, I was planning out more and morechaps for you lovely wonderful readers...:D:D The next chaps are gonna be FUUUN, I can tell ya that. hehe. Hehe. Of course REVIIIEWS will make them even funner!

* * *

  


Sam quietly shut the bathroom door behind her, walked down the hallway into the guest bedroom, closed that door, then proceeded to collapse onto the bed.

_Oh._

_My._

_GOD…_

_He has a problem with my EATING? What the hell! I do… what was it? "tiny little gestures that could very easily be taken as innuendo" _

_INNUENDO?_

She jumped off the bed and started stalking across the room. She was angry, and insulted, and... angry!

_Is he so ragingly horny that he gets excited over eating? He's sick! Who was he to treat me the way he did just because I EAT a certain way… well SOOORRY I eat the way I do, it's not my fault he can't control his damn hormones! So he just goes and runs away from me because of it, huh? That is so unbelievably sick and disrespectful and impolite and sick and…I should go back to that bathroom and tell him… or better yet just make him really tell everyone what's been up his butt the last few months… or just shove some jello right up his General ass or…_

_  
WAIT…_

_He can't stand my eating… _

_Jack can't stand my eating…_

_It's "affecting him in ways he could not expect"_

_I have power over him._

_If this is really affecting him so badly he jumps into bathtubs to get away from me… _

Sam's eyes grew wide as the gears in her brain raced.

_Just imagine the possibilities…!_

_I could make him do ANYTHING!_

Sam's heart started picking up speed, and an eeeevil grin started forming on her suddenly eeevil face.

_I can make Jack O'Neill do aaanything I want… _

She chuckled mercilessly.

Oh, revenge was going to be sweet…

With a fiery glint of determination in her eyes, she walked out the door.

Evilly.

* * *

AN/ so what do YOUUUU all think Sam's gonna do? After all "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" And the person who said taht didnt even KNOW our Sam ;);) She's a WILD woman inside! Jack better watch out...MUA HA HA HA

Flames used for Sam/Jack's Wedding caaake.. yum yum!


	7. Ah Sweet Revenge

Death by Tea Mug part 7 - 

Ah Sweet Revenge…

An/Hey all, sorry it's taken me so long, but aaaas always, RL is deciding to crap on me  Well, here's the **_longest _**chap yet for you all, remember to REVIIIEW, because the next few chaps are going to be FUN, and the more reviews, the more fun they'll be! (Yes, I've expanded my 9 chap plan :O:O:O) does little jig

Oh, and thank you SOOO MUUUUUUCH to everyone who's reviewed so far! I'll hopefully be sending out personal replies as soon as Ii find some TIME! kicks RL but yeah, thank you SOOO MUCH! (((((((((((((R&R's)))))))))))))))))))

* * *

Nothing. 

That's what was happening.

Nothing.

And Jack was afraid.

He'd finally come out of the bathroom, held his head as high as he could, and gone back outside. Sam was already there. But she said nothing, did nothing, indicated no reaction at all to what he'd said to her. He'd gone over his hand to hand combat training in the bathtub, but… he'd been out for 25 minutes, and absolutely NOTHING had happened. He was starting to wish she'd just get on with whatever it was she was going to do and put him out of his misery! The waiting now was just too much. He shook his head at himself. One second fearing action, the next fearing lack of it! Damn the woman for having so much power over him.

"Dessert tiiiime!" called one very tipsy Daniel from inside Teal'c's house. Cheering was heard, and Jack sighed. Finally, dessert! It was the perfect opportunity for Sam to exact her revenge. Soon it would be all done and over with and everything would be fine. She'd probably get another popsicle and do something… revengeful, with it. He was already steeling himself for the onslaught.

Sam watched Jack as he breathed in deeply, going to sit down around the table that was set up outside. She smiled to herself. He was definitely expecting her to pull off some fantastical feat of 'innuendo.' Wasn't he in for a surprise. She chuckled again. She glanced over at Teal'c questioningly. He nodded, and she sighed in relief. Everything was set!

Jack groaned. Now the world was against him. The seating around the table kept shifting and shifting, and somehow he'd ended up next to Sam. Her revenge would be bad enough, but the physical proximity made it that much worse…

Sam grinned again when she saw Jack visibly tense as she sat down beside him.

"Hey Jack," she said jovially. He turned towards her, gaping.

What the hell? He thought. So I confess the most embarrassing thing of my life, and it leads to her finally calling me _Jack_? Something is soooo wrong.

"Jack…?" she asked when he just continued gaping. He mentally kicked himself, schooling his face to neutral in an instant.

"Hello there Sam," he replied. Two could play at this game. Just ignore it happened, just ignore the feelings… if she was going to, so could he. Maybe she was so mortified at him that she couldn't handle it, and so was just going to forget about it and not get revenge! She smiled at the use of her name.

"How have you been enjoying the party?" she asked.

"It's ok. A lot more interesting than sitting around in my office all day doing paperwork."

"I can imagine," she smiled.

Jack frowned at her. Ok, she was acting way to cool… sure he knew how good she could be at concealing her emotions but, come on… he'd told her, to her face, he couldn't' stand her eating because he got hot from it! She should have smacked him. She would have anyone else, he knew that… normally he would be happy that he was a 'special case' but he wasn't. He was trying to hard to be neutral. Plaaay along.

"How do you like it so far?" he asked.

"It's fun! Really good popsicles," she said. He squeezed his eyes shut, and gulped. Oh goooood… here it comes… he waited.

And waited.

He opened his eyes, and found Sam talking casually to Teal'c, who was beside her. He gave the back of her head an incredulous look. What was she playing at? Was she going to get her revenge or what? He breathed in deeply, once again, and settled himself, talking to someone from SG-3 who was beside him. Being stir crazy was something Jack O'Neill did _not_ appreciate.

It was now 2 hours later, and, guess what?

Nothing.

One tiny reference to a popsicle and nothing else. Unfortunately for Jack, he assumed that was all. She had in fact decided to just ignore it all and pretend everything was fine. He'd been thinking about it a lot, and finally decided that Carter was way to good a soldier, and a person, to do anything ridiculous. He was safe.

Obviously he'd never heard the saying "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"

That's why when, sitting at the table once again beside Carter, he suddenly felt a warm pressure against his leg, he was confused as anything. Then he realized what it was. Her foot. Now normally this wouldn't be such a bad thing, but this was no accidental brush. Her foot was out of her shoe, and slowly rubbing against his leg. Thrills of tension ran up his leg and spread throughout his whole body. CRAP!

He turned towards her to tell her off. He caught himself before he could say Carter. No, remember, he could play with the whole "first names" thing.

"Sam," he said tersely. She excused herself from talking to Daniel, who was now beside her, and turned to face him.

"Yes Jack?" she asked in pure innocence.

"What are you doing?"

"What are you talking about?" she frowned curiously. He gritted his teeth. She wasn't going to make this easy, was she?

"I think you know what I'm talking about," he said in a low, warning tone.

"I'm sorry Jack but I don't," she replied, still frowning at him. Her foot stroked all the way up the side of his leg, curving at his knee and continuing along his thigh. He sucked in a breath through gritted teeth.

"You really have to stop that, _Sam_," he warned.

"Jack, if you're not going to tell me what I have to stop I'm afraid I can't help you," she replied matter-of-factly. He glared at her.

"You have to stop. Stroking. My. Leg," he whispered fiercely, so no one could hear.

Sam coolly raised an eyebrow.

"Am I stroking your leg Jack?" she asked.

"Yes, Sam, you are," he growled.

"Oh, ok then," she nodded, and took a sip of her drink. Her warm foot kept going. He looked incredulously at her.

"Sam, seriously, stop it!" he hissed, as the warmth of her foot continued to spread throughout his body.

"I'd rather not," she said lightly, with a little grin.

"Sam!" he pleaded, "Stop it!"

"No point wasting your breath Jack."

All his notions of her being a good soldier and a good person flew out the proverbial window.

"Sam, if you don't stop it right now, I'll…"

"You'll what, Jack?"

"I'll… I'll…"

But what could he do? He certainly couldn't ask anyone at the party for help… no one would accept a stupid story about a headache that made him have to go home… bring her up on charges? There was a fine line there…

"So, what were her digressions?"

"Well her foot was stroking my leg and it aroused me way too much!"

No way, they'd think he was just some old horn-dog who couldn't' keep it in. Although she had refused to stop… but did he really want to ruin her career just because he had a problem with her eating? Revenge was foul-play on her part, but he actually deserved it. He cursed himself. There was no way out.

"You'll what, Jack?" she pressed on.

He mumbled something incoherently, and she grinned. Just a little evil lopsided quirk up of the side of her mouth. Her eyebrow quirked up as well in a kind of "I told you so!" way. How could she be so sexy? Damnit!

She went back to talking to Daniel as her foot continued to do things they really shouldn't.

And then there were two warm patches.

He'd been so preoccupied with her evilness that he hadn't noticed her slip her hand from her drink and slide it under the tablecloth to rest on his leg. His whole body tensed and he stared down in horror at her hand. When he realized what he must look like, staring down at himself, his head shot upwards. He did a quick survey and was relieved to see no one had noticed. He drew in a shaky breath. He could handle a hand, rite? Sara used to rest her hand on his leg all the time.

But Sara never moved her hand around.

Yup, Sam had ditched the food and brought out the big guns.

Jack tried to suppress a groan as one of Sam's fingers stated tracing lazy circles on his jeans. Electricity shot from them into his skin beneath. Aaaaaaaahhhhhh! He looked around desperately. Wasn't anyone SEEING this? Teal'c should be coming to the rescue! Daniel should be looking at Sam in a scandalized way! Hammond should be roaring at her inappropriateness! But the party continued on as usual. People talked, drank, laughed, ate, and were completely oblivious to the torture session happening.

Jack picked up his own drink with a shaky hand and knocked it back. Maybe he could just run for it? He quickly glanced down. CRAP, he was in no condition to stand up rite now, in full view of everyone, never mind make a big scene by running away.

He looked around, searching for options. Duck under the table and crawl away? Nope, too crowded with legs under there. His increasingly fuzzy brain floundered, but there were no option, once again. He was just going to have to wait it out. After all, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger… right?

Sam's fingers twirled away.

* * *

BUAHAHA 

HAHAHAH

What's she gonna do next :O? Is she gonna get Jack right there at the table:O:O:O Will I have to up the ratings for the next few chaps :O:O:O

Well if ya **_review _**you might just find out:D:D

Flaaames used for Sam/Jack's wedding cake, which might just be coming closer ;);)

Oh, and I know there's prolly been a thousand and 2 fics about this kind of thing… the whole "secret torture under table" thing, but… well, hopefully the way this ends out will make up for that ;) :) :) fingers crossed


	8. Interlude

**Death By Tea Mug part 8 –**

**Interlude**

By: MajorSam

A/N: WOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW... it has officially been more than... *drum roll* THREE YEARS!?!?!?!? Since a black hole opened up, ate me, and made me not ever finish this story... well, my internet was down today, I was bored, and feeling fanficcy, so I did the unthinkable and decided to FINISH THIS THING! I remembered that there'd been some issues about a bag of goodies being brought out twice... I've gone back and fixed this chapter to clear that all up. I will be posting THE FINAL CHAPTER of this story within a few days. If any dear soul remembers this wee tale and still wants to finish it, please REVIEW and I might get the final chap up quicker!!!! To those who DO read/review - an early THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Previously…

He looked around, searching for options. Duck under the table and crawl away? Nope, too crowded with legs under there. His increasingly fuzzy brain floundered, but there were no option, once again. He was just going to have to wait it out. After all, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger… right?

Sam's fingers twirled away…

Crap…

Oh Hell…

Crap…

Shit!

$^*&^&$^&*(&$^*(&^*(

All these thoughts filtered through Jack's mind in the time span of about .02 milliseconds, as Sam suddenly pinched his inner thigh. His leg sprang up on reflex and hit the table with a thud. He hissed in pain, hoping no one had heard or seen. As he looked around he was again surprised that no one had noticed anything at all. Seriously, _how_ many fully trained military personnel where there!? _Alertness my ass!_ He groused. He never asked for help, but he couldn't stand it any longer!

Sam would not have it though. He waited for her to turn away to open his mouth to plea for his escape from someone, anyone, but of course Ms. Laser Eyes calmly turned to look at him before he could even utter a sound, and, with just a hint of a smirk whispered "I think it's high time to get out of here, don't you think?"

All Jack heard was "out of here" and he gave a strangled sigh of relief as her hand left his inner thigh. He was about to bolt up and run, no; spiritedly walk, away, when he remembered he was in absolutely no condition to stand up in front of a group of people. Damn but that woman's fingers could bring a man to his death! He snorted internally. Those fingers HAD brought men to their deaths… but in his current state he really couldn't keep his mind on something like that. As he was sitting, staring off into space trying to figure out how to grab this opportunity to bolt, Sam grinned. He really was cute when he was flustered up to his ears. She could only imagine his confusion at everyone else around the table happily chatting away, completely ignoring the way he looked desperately around the table. He was starting to sweat for cryin' out loud! She would have laughed normally at the sight of this big bad Air Force man looking like more like a wild man, but she didn't. She just grinned a little bit more. Oh this was just too much fun…

She looked around once more at all the people minding their own business. It was amazing what could be accomplished while Jack sat in a bathtub for a few minutes. She really had been quite amazed at all the support given to her cause. Of course the guests didn't know the full of it, besides that Jack had scorned the beautiful major, and that she was asking for their help. What could be the harm in just ignoring any weird behavior from him? There was the…special, favours she had asked of Hammond and Teal'c, but she knew she could trust them with this.

Grinning now like the cat who got the cream at seeing the effects of her handiwork, literally, Sam finally decided to cut Jack a little slack. A little meaning a few seconds, but she wanted to see how long he took to realize that. With an effort, she schooled her face and fought down the rising tension in her own stomach. What she was about to do really was quite out of behavior for her. Unbelievable, ridiculous and insane more like it, but hey, she was a woman used to living on the edge!!!

"Jack, get up," she commanded softly. He looked at her incredulously. He knew full well that she knew of his condition.

"Trust me," she assured him. His eyes narrowed at her, trying to read her eyes, see if she really could be trusted. Unfortunately all his emotional training, how to ignore emotions, how to work under pressure, did not seem to work under the pressure of Sam Carter's hands. Finally he just gave up, and nodded. She gave him a sultry smile, so that as he stood up he barely noticed her reach out to the table in front of him to grab a napkin, thus hiding his… predicament, from view. All he could focus on was her long slim fingers, reaching out… the beautiful hand they were attached too, the long toned arm with perfect soft skin, leading up to near her long smooth neck… his eyes trailed down her shoulders, back… down to where she had lifted herself out of her chair and a certain part of her that was now stretched taught under tight jeans… She took her time pulling her hand away from getting the napkin, leaving it on the table as she touched his arm gently and started walking him to the door of Teal'c house.

Wait a second…

Why was she leaving with him? Wasn't this his escape!? The whole "Evil Torturess gains feelings of sympathy for poor helpless victim and graciously lets him go" type thing?

While his brain was off asking questions, his body suddenly found itself in Teal'c's kitchen. Kitchen? He looked over at Sam to ask her what the hell they were doing in the kitchen, but found he couldn't speak, for one of those long elegant fingers had risen to his lips, sushing him.

Finger.

On lips.

Soft, warm Carter'ish finger…

There were no thoughts of Regulations, Chain of Command issues and all that as she moved her finger to his cheek, and slowly stroked it's way along it before she pulled it away. He stared completely speechless as she backed away, looked him fully up and down, then chuckled. It was a deep, throaty chuckle that sent his brain into overdrive thinking about some certain choice situations in which he'd like to hear that husky voice…

The thought that Sam was doing something from one of his fantasies broke Jack out of his reverie. What the hell!? Did Sam just _stroke_ his cheek? For that matter had she just been doing everything short of an actual hand job to him under a table, at a public party, with several superior officers in attendance?

With the reality of Sam's totally out of wack behavior, Jack forgot his physical yearnings. He even managed to ignore certain parts of Sam's body as she bent over to reach into the fridge.

"Ok Carter, the game is up," he said in the most stern voice he could manage. She crossed her arms and shot him with another sultry look that almost knocked him off balance. Almost.

"Seriously here, I know I was out of line with the whole popsicle thing," he continued as she uncrossed her arms and took a step forward.

"But I need you to tell me, right now, what the _hell_ is goi…"

The words were taken, literally, from his mouth, as she closed the short distance between them, grabbed him by the collar and brought his mouth to hers.

Now _that_ knocked him off balance.


	9. Sweet Bag of Death

Death By Tea Mug part 9 -  
Sweet Bag of Death

By: MajorSam

A/N – OMMMMMGGGG… I'm the most horrible person ever. It's been over THREE MONTHS since I updated… sob I'm SO SORRY… my life just exploded, I wrote and directed a theatre play… I'm directing ANOTHER play… I'm IN a play… and I still have a thousand other things as well! If you are still with me, thank you SO MUCH, you're amazing bows down to you all! If you're new to this story WOOOH, I hope you like it so far  I really really hope you guys like this chap… I just totally randomely got into it tonite, sacrificing my entire night's sleep, and it's probably crap anyways, but I really really wanted to get something up for you guys, I feel terrible! The next chap will be FUN! I promise!

* * *

Previously on…. 

"Seriously here, I know I was out of line with the whole popsicle thing," he continued as she gently placed the bag on the countertop beside the fridge and took a step towards him.

"But I need you to tell me, right now, what the _hell_ is goi…"

The words were taken, literally, from his mouth, as she closed the short distance between them, grabbed him by the collar and brought his mouth to hers.

Now _that_ knocked him off balance.

You really did learn something new everyday, thought Jack wryly. For example, today's lesson:

Concentration is deathly impossible while Sam Carter's tongue is gliding down your throat.

Who'da thunk it?

Ok, he was supposed to be saying something to her… wasn't he? Protesting or something… ah screw it.

He reached out with both hands to cradle her face, gently stroking her smooth warm skin before rising up to run his hands through her hair. God she had soft hair! Slowly he massaged her scalp, making her breath hitch in her throat and wrap her arms around his neck and shoulders. He tore his hands away from her soft golden hair to run down her neck, causing her to shiver, then washing down her shoulders and back, finally wrapping them firmly around her waist and pulling her closer. She slowly pushed him forward until he felt the cold of the refrigerator door behind him. He groaned as she kept pushing him into the barrier, stretching her lithe body over his. Holy craaaaaap was the woman HOT! Even with the cool fridge door he swore he was melting….

And then her sizzling body was gone, and he felt a rush of cold evening air rush at him. What theeee…

"Excuse me, General," she said, breathlessly. He would have smirked but he was staring rather numbly at her, while his body was livid with sensation.

He mumbled something incoherent, and she gave him a look. A very Carter-like "You know damn well what I said so do it, now!"

He continued to stare dumbly at her.

"Ex-cuuuuse me, General," she repeated. His body moved on instinct as she reached for the fridge door handle. He bumped against the countertop as she went to look for something. Correction, as she _bent down_ to look for something.

And there was her luscious perfect backside all tightened up in those jeans. Her deep turquoise halter top was taught against her stomach, and made certain… assets, squish together as she bent her torso almost parallel to the ground, while her head disappeared into the fridge. He could swear she was wiggling as she searched, a deliberate teasing wiggle.

Carter…WIGGLING! Where was a desk when you need to bang your head? headcounter just doesn't sound as fun as headdesk

Anyways… Carter's Wiggling Wonders…

Insert Jack drooling, er… gazing in awe

Slowly she emerged from the fridge, straightening her shoulders and rolling them back for a moment so that her assets were very fully on display. They were so… soooo per…

Wait a second… what did she have in her hand?

A very non-descript, very full, white plastic shopping bag. A sense of curiosity pervaded his numbness… Carter and… bag?

She glanced over at him with an innocent "Don't ya wanna know what's in the bag?" little smile. She raised an eyebrow up, daring him to come forward. He stayed rooted in his spot against the counter. She gave a little shrug, then delved her hand into the bag, and brought out an item.

Whipping Cream.

_Inside, Sam secretly breathed an immense sigh of relief. Teal'c had got it right! When she said she'd needed his help to set the General straight, he'd been ready and willing. She admitted she'd been rather aprehensive about asking him to go buy WHIPPING cream... After all, she wasn't the sort of person who usually did this kind of thing. Really... well, there was that time period back in the Academy when... but HEY, that's not the point! She HAD been nervous to ask her alien co-conspirator, but he'd just raised his eyebrow and said "I know a place which sells a most satisfying chocolate spread." How Teal'c knew about the best Chocolate Spread she didn't even WANT to know..._

Jack could see it now… "And now, the next episode of Samerella, the Saucy Seductress… Hey, back off, I've got whipping cream and I KNOW how to USE IT!"

God he could just IMAGINE how she could use a can of whipping cream… ooooh myyy goooood… she'd spray it all over his… and then… and… was it possible for a human to physically melt into a puddle of glop? Because he was seriously achieving a state of being that could not be classified as normal human.

His mouth obviously went even slacker with drool, because she smirked an oh-so-dirty little smirk, and brought out something else.

Chocolate Sauce.

Caramel Sauce.

Strawberries.

Every single bloody damn clichéd kinky food toy you could think of. Aaaall wrapped up in a neat little bag he'd like to call Death.

Which a certain Death-Bringer was now swinging casually slung over her exposed back, while her body sauntered out of the kitchen.

Should he follow? No, it was wrooong…

_He groaned as she kept pushing him into the barrier, stretching her lithe body over his._

Must… follow…bag!

He followed her, trying to inject some sort of his usual swagger into his walk, as if he was ushering her somewhere rather than trailing like a love-sick puppy. Not that that's what he really looked like… at all, no, never! AAAAH, where'd she go!

She'd turned into the guest room.

The guest BEDroom…

He gulped at the open door.

She hadn't turned on the lights, so in his Sam-mushled brain, he saw the open door as a gaping, chasm, undulating with fear and teasing and temptation and a million other things rolled up into one, ultimate threshold. He hears something rustling within the cavern of impending… something…

Does he go in?

Or does he not…

TBC…

* * *

AN/ Well, how bad was it? I know it probably wasn't worth 3 months waiting but I'm really trying here! Flames of course used to bake Sam and Jack's wedding cake which I expect will get very large now, and the Hungry Beast somehow managed to hide in a storage broom closet this whole time, and is waiting to come out! 


	10. Conspiracy

Death By Tea Mug Part 10

A/N  
So, it's been a few years… *cough* I really don't know how to justify that, besides pleading guilty by fault of Real Life… and Sanctuary, lol. I don't know when I wrote this final chapter, it's un-beta'd and my MS Word spellchecker is broken, and it's probably not worth the many year wait, but I thought I might as well FINISH this thing once and for all. I hope you enjoy it, and once again I'm epicly apologetic for the wait! *bows out humbly*

* * *

Sam, sitting on the bed, took a deep breath.

Please work… Please, please work…

* * *

Outside, Teal'c was making an announcement.

"I regret to inform you that while I am most pleased you are enjoying yourselves, I am quite certain many of you have briefings and such early tomorrow morning. I believe it most prudent for you all to adjourn to your homes."

General Hammond stepped in to help

"He's right people. I better not see you dragging yourself late into work!"

With much grumbling and grousing, people started to gather themselves and head out.

* * *

Jack still stood, staring at The Door, oblivious to the din of goodbyes. He knew he should run outside and ask for help with whatever demon had taken over their comrade. Their comrade with whip cream and chocolate… and he could have sworn he'd seen Blue Jello powder?

Hmm… help with demon…

Blue jello powder…

He crossed the threshold.

Her back was to him so he didn't see the intense look of relief that washed over her face before she turned to face him.

She grinned.

He gulped.

The lights were off, but the curtains were drawn just enough to let the soft moonlight light her up from behind like an angel of the night.

He gulped again.

She reached out and gently took his hand, walking backwards to lead him to the edge of the big guest bed. With her other hand she put something in her mouth, then leaned forward and kissed him. Chocolate and Sam melded together into a mind melting sensation.

Wait a second… DEMON! She's a mad alien trying to take over his senses, control him, then take over the world! He groaned and pushed her away.

"Carter…"

"Look at this."

Suddenly some papers were thrust into his face, and he was pushed right out the door, back into the hallway. Whaaat!? He blinked as the taste of her started fading, and the sudden light of the hallway became less intense. He looked at the paper in his hands. It took a minute for him to recognize the presidential letterhead...

Words like "Special circumstance" "Deserves it" and "permission" popped out at him, but his brain was too fogged to get what was going on, until he got to a special note at the bottom.

Jack – She's not an alien. You have a lot of time to make up for – get to it!

It was signed Henry Hayes.

Jack frowned, then read the note again – Get to it!? Was HE the one infested by aliens? The President had ordered him to "Get to it"!?!?!?

He almost leaped out of his skin when he felt a hand clap him on the shoulder. He whirled around to see Hammond with a full ear to ear grin on his face.

"Stop wasting time, son."

And for the second time in as many minutes he was pushed through the door of Teal'c's guest bedroom. He was beginning to think he was being played. Once his eyes again adjusted to the light change, he could see Sam sitting on the edge of the bed, hands clasped. This time she didn't jump on him, or start grinning, or cackling, or anything like that. She just looked at him, waiting for him to speak. He finally did…

"When did this all happen?"

"In the last few weeks."

"You've been planning this for weeks?"

"It started when I realized you were getting off on me drinking tea."

He pondered.

"You knew what you were doing the whole time?"

This time she did grin again.

"The whole time."

"Why didn't you just tell me? Why go through all this… wind up?"

She raised her eyebrow.

"What would have been the fun in that? Oh, hey Jack, we finally got permission to fulfill our dreams, sex me now? No, I'm sorry Sir, you are just way too fun with mess with."

Jack's initial reaction was to be offended, but then he realized Sam Carter had just said "Sex me now" and his mind started playing back all the devilish things she'd done to him in the past few weeks. Blood rushed from his head to other places, and his breath caught.

She grinned and picked up a can of whipping cream, handing it to him.

"I guess its time for your revenge."

The End

* * *

Well…? I hope it at least gave some amount of closure! Thank you SOOOO much to whoever decides to review this for the first time, and ESPECIALLY to those who so wonderfully reviewed it back in its hey-day. Thank you thank you thank you!!! I am forever and eternally grateful

MSam


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